What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
sex in a hospital.. check
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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