Already got asked if we're dating
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
