I accidentally had phone sex last night
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
