This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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