Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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