Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
sex in a hospital.. check
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
