He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
