I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
