Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
