You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
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