Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
