My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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