Dude my mom stole all your condoms
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
