He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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