dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
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