I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Randomize
