You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
