You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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