I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
