haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
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