I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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