Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
