I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
