remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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