I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
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