Why is your signature on my underwear?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
