My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
