she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
