I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
