Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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