At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
It's shark week go big or go home
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
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