id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
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