Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
