y did u give ur computer a hand job?
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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