so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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