You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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