this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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