I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
How does one acquire holy water?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
