Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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