you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
