She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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