He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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