I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
