How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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