I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
