he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
