Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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