my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
