when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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