that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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