I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
