hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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