you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I love you. Go after that dick
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