He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
