So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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