i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
